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#31
December 2nd, 2005, 04:04 AM
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The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
__________________
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. 
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#32
December 2nd, 2005, 04:07 AM
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Poky", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started........ ROTFLMFAO 
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#33
December 2nd, 2005, 04:16 AM
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Things Said in Court. These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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#34
December 2nd, 2005, 05:06 AM
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said,"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live". Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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#35
December 2nd, 2005, 05:12 AM
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.."
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#36
December 2nd, 2005, 05:18 AM
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair..Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take you wife and go home." The third man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" he said. "I had to beat her to death with the chair."
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#37
December 2nd, 2005, 05:22 AM
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Little Johnny's father catches him snorting a powdery substance behind the shed.
'Johnny!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? It had better not be cocaine!' 'Don't worry, Pops' says Johnny. 'It's only Kool-Aid.' 'Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?' 'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Johnny. 'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.' 'I know, Pops,' says Johnny. 'But at least it makes my snot taste lekker.'
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#38
December 2nd, 2005, 05:32 AM
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A guy goes to buy a plane ticket, the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh"...the lady socks him a solid shot in the face, giving him a black eye. He get's on the plane. The guy he sits next to also has a black eye and asks him "I see you have a black eye too, what happened?" Guy proceeds to tell him about the ticket incident. "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that", he says. "Just this morning at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, `Please pass the sugar honey', but I accidentally said..." `You f*&^ing b*tch, you wrecked my life!"
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#39
December 2nd, 2005, 05:36 AM
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for saffas
Die een dag kom Jannie by die huis, hy stap na sy pa toe
wat onder die kar lê besig met herstelwerk. Jannie sê: "Pa, ek het vandag s@x gehad met my onderwyser" Pa: "Jannie, maar dis mos so vroeg...jy is nou eers 13, maar jy is jou pa se seun en ek is bly jy volg in my skoene, ek gaan vir jou 'n roomys koop en sommer 'n fiets ook!" Jannie: "Dankie pa, die roomys sal lekker wees, maar wag met die fiets want my h@l is nog seer"
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#40
December 2nd, 2005, 05:43 AM
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Quote:
My all time favourite - alledgedly real courtroom quotation * Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?" * Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
__________________
And he picked it all up... in his pick-up.  Friends of Shemzilla
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