Page 3 - Jokes!

 CONFESSION

 A young man enters the confessional.
 "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
 The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
 "Yes, Father, it is."
 "And, who was the woman you were with?"
 "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
 "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well 
 tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
 "I cannot say."
 "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
 "I'll never tell."
 "Was it Liz Shannon?"
 "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
 "Was it Ann Morgan?"
 "My lips are sealed."
 "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
 "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

 The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy 
 Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. 
 You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

 Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and 
 whispers,"What'd you get?!"
 "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long
johns and dressed quietly.   
I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the 
boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage 
rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. 
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned t
he TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, 
so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.  


There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, 
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 


To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s***?

NUCLEAR POWER CALLED WOMAN
 
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a sexy young woman.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, 
"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with 
your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The woman, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, 
"What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the woman. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask 
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse 
produces muffins 
of dried poop.  Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the woman, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss 
nuclear power when you don't know s***?"

 Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
 
 Now you can intellectually handle the situation:
 
 
 Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
 
 They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
 
 Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
 
 After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
 
 Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe ****t Sherlock.
 
 
 Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
 
 
 Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
 
 The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
 
 The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
 
 Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
 
 
 So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them
 

-Why the bigger percentage of the english men are gay?
-Come on, have you seen how english women look like!